All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.