Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
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If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.