wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
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Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Rather alarming headline…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured