[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
mechanics be like
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.