You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*