Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.