me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!