The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Saw online –
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.