[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.