If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”