[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.