My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now