Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’m so full I could puke a horse
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic