Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
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just gave your address to some spiders
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don鈥檛 see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They鈥檙e waiting for me, aren鈥檛 they?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
So basically what I鈥檓 saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.