Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
🤣🤣💀
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*