At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
You Might Also Like
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
the short answer to this question
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN