Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers