I really had high hopes for this year though
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me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys