this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
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[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Wake me when AI does housework
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
dictator is short for richard potato
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.