One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
can鈥檛 = can not
don鈥檛 = do not
won鈥檛 = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I have so many questions.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 馃槅馃槅
Why do blurry people always ask me if I鈥檓 drunk?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 馃槀
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes