What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.