gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
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You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”