someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
5 ways to appear taller
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.