DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Bill is short for Billiam
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.