mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
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Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Rambo Rambow
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.