Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Spring of Deception
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
brian had himself a morning…
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.