Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Rich people don’t understand cereal
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people