If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
6: are snakes just neck?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]