*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*