My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
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I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough