This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas