I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Do not levitate over flowers
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
me when the borders lift
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Think I pulled my liver
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.