Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You Might Also Like
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer