Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
You Might Also Like
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
iPhone X
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I want to meet the individual who made this
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The internet is full of many things
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*