Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
stand with me against insufficient seating
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.