beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
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Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
next question.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.