A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
You Might Also Like
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
❤️🦆
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.