Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
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It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.