“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
men are simple creatures
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.