It do be feeling this way.
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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I want to meet the individual who made this
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
set yourself free xox
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!