I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.