I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.