Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
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Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.