the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
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Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.