Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
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I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems