“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
They got a point!
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.