Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.