Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
❤️🦆
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical