When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I have written yet another poem about laundry
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.