Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars